the great spangenhelm

a few weeks ago it was the original supernatural nephew's birthday. i called to see how things were going. he tells me he is eight and when i ask if he is sure he takes me very seriously and assures me he knows for a fact that he is eight. this night is to be the family party and because i will not be there, being halfway across the country on an edge while he is near the geographical middle, he tells me about the cake. because the cake is the centerpiece of any good birthday. his will be made by his grandmother, my own mother, who has already told me it is cooling and nearly ready. it is pineapple upside down cake. this is not what you'd expect an eight year old boy to request, and yet he has. this isn't so surprisng really, considering nobody in his family requests anything nearing a normal cake on their own special day. i generally choose blackberry cobbler.

because he is the original nephew we have spent the last eight years trying to come up with toys that are traumatic to his parents, completely age inappropriate and generally too fragile or too dangerous for a child. this is our job. we live very far away. we plot and plan and there are virtually no repercussions for our actions. we are more freewheeling than bob dylan. we spent several years supplying him with instruments from other countries. there was an exploration/survival kit we put together from an army navy store and strange websites. there was something once i think involving science and exploding. and, of course, extreme chocolatification. it is not because we are fancy. it is partly because we envision the child playing with these things and being delighted, but there is a good part of it, an ugly, unkind part, that involves images of my sister and brother in law suffering as a small child attempts to learn an instrument taller than he is. there is an evil streak in us both.

but once a child gets to be eight, things get tough for a scheming aunt and uncle. there are video games. there are movies. there are action figures, computers, ipods, things to plug the child into. and a person who gets one or two sightings a year of a child can be overwhelmed. but his local aunt mentioned knights and dragons. he seems to like them. so the sweetie and i sat at separate computers, poring over suits of armor and chain mail. you would be surprised how expensive those things are. and because really good chain mail sized for a child comes primarily from great britain, the shipping is nearly the price again of the mail. we were discouraged but we pressed on. there had to be something out there we could find besides a single gauntlet that wasn't five million dollars.

and then, as i was just about to throw in the towel, it blazed across my screen. the great spangenhelm. a medieval closed face helmet. it is terrifying. rivets all across the head and evil looking slices where the eyes will, no doubt, peer out ruthlessly. over the nose and mouth are little t shaped cuts for ventilation, i suppose. so he'll be able to breathe. it is awful. it is fifteen inches tall from crown to chin. he will need a pillow on top of his head so he can wear it. he will need two or maybe three pillows. it is the most perfect thing i've seen. i would like to buy ten or twelve to have on hand, the way my mom does with cards, for when we're caught unawares and in need of a gift. who wouldn't be able to use a great spangenhelm? but we order just the one for now, although i do bookmark the website for future use.

it arrived at the grandparents' a few days ago and tonight he will stop by and get the monstrous thing. i wanted him to have it the minute we decided to get it, but the world does not yet bend entirely to my will. while waiting, i imagined how it would look on him. the helmet will be big- big enough around to slide down over his shoulders so that the lower edge will likely rest somewhere against his chest, hopefully just above his elbows so he can wave his arms and look even more menacing. until he gets his pillows, he will probably be breathing out of one of those terrifying eye holes. he will not be able to see a thing. i am almost completely sure this will not seem like a drawback to any of the eight year olds he knows, but i have asked his grandmother to whip up a head extending pillow to lift the helmet a bit so he will not slam into a wall or moat or ride his trusty steed off a cliff of some sort. i cannot wait to see him in all his knightly glory. truly, he is the rightful wearer of the great spangenhelm.