conversations with medications

after a full day of tamiflu i woke up friday with my skeleton comfortably back in place, my eyes set firmly into lava-free sockets, a rash that could brag only of color, not of texture and a temperature hovering somewhere around 99. the sweetie's coworkers had encouraged him to stay home and tend to me, so with a renewed ability to sit up for extended periods of time and a day to burn, we loaded up the pups and headed upstate. i certainly wasn't well, but we figured being under the weather in view of the mountains is way better than being under the weather in view of a garbage truck and the train tracks. then, there's always an opportunity to breathe air that wasn't just exhaled by thousands of nyc school children. and a chance to escape my own germs. i popped in a capsule of my new best friend tamiflu and we headed north.

i might want to remind you that tamiflu requires food. it will let you know when food supplies are low by creating waves of nausea which will be followed by vomiting if not promptly addressed. having spent sixteen years with a medication that requires food, i'm familiar with the situation and generally carry a little snack, peanuts or one of those protein bars. but the fever and all impaired my judgment and i hopped in the car with nothing. and just over the george washington bridge the tamiflu tapped me on the shoulder. tap tap tap. uh, yes? get... food....! well, we're in the car and all. we'll be at a rest stop pretty... what are you? an idiot or something? don't you know who i am? don't you now what i'm doing in here? well, sure. and i'm mighty grateful to you... grateful? really? i'm in here slaving all morning. you don't feel the hooves anymore, do you? that's because of me. i'm saving your stupid life and all you can do is whine about some rest stop! look, i'm sorry. it's a quizzno's. you'll like it. we'll be there soon. hey, all i'm saying is i'm keeping your stupid carcass alive and you gotta figure out whether you want that. oh, i definitely want that. being alive has been really enjoyable so far and i expect it to.... shut up! i could walk away right now. that pig is down but i could walk out and he'd get right back up, hooves and all. then where would you be? i...

this is about when the side effects mentioned on the label and my own paranoia shook hands and i said out loud to the sweetie, "my hands feel like gloves that don't fit." they did. in my mind i was remembering a passage by a book called stiff by mary roach about how cadavers have a stage of decay where the hands experience "gloving". the skin loosens and slips down like a glove. that's what it seemed like my skin was doing. coming off. making its own choices. and the sweetie's attempt to calm me down produced hysterical crying all the way to the quizzno's at the rest stop. i devoured a bowl of broccoli cheese soup, much to the delight of the tamiflu. on the way out, it suggested i grab a bag of trail mix, just in case. there was nothing but crappy trail mix, the kind without chocolate bits, but the tamiflu was glaring so i got a bag with yogurt raisins. it turned out to be a good thing i did.

the rest of the ride was uneventful but later in the day there was tapping again. what on earth are you trying to do to me? don't i take care of you? this was not the tamiflu. this was the medication i take to keep the scary and strange at bay. you are not in a good place if the medication you take to keep scary things at bay is mad at you. uh, hi. everything's cool. just been a little sick. taking some tamiflu. you could have warned me. you could have mentioned about the hallucinations. about the paranoia. i might have worked out a bit, beefed up. i didn't know. the flu comes on sort of quick. i didn't know my doctor would have drugs for it... sixteen years i toil in here, keeping you from seeing fanged zebras and fifty foot spiders. sixteen years i keep you happy, employed, in a relationship. i give you everything! how do you thank me? you drop some sort of lunatic wizard in here conjuring up plaid penguins and loose skin. fantastic! look! i'm trying. if i didn't take the medicine, my fever would have exploded me. that wouldn't have worked either! my doctor said it wouldn't interfere with you. interfere? i'm battling shadow tigers in here! don't i get you safely on the subway every day? well, actually, no. lately i've been having some trouble and i've noticed you're not doing all you could be doing to keep me from freaking out. hey! i can't do it all. you have to take some responsibility there. do that stupid yoga breathing. knit. grow up a little. or realize the train is just a scary place. get over it. why are you such a jerk?

at this point, there's another tap. tap tap tap. hey, somebody order some cramps? heh, heh, heh. i got an order of cramps here, with a side of emotional overreaction, courtesy of the pms factory. i am beginning to wonder if my hand skin had the right idea. get out now. i think about how to extricate myself from the warring factions of body and drug but i'm stuck. we're all in this rash covered, cramping, dizzy, weepy body together. there's only one thing that will make all of them happy. a cheeseburger. with pickles and onions. and accidental bacon. a side of fries. it will fortify the tamiflu in its final fight with the flu pig. it will boost the power of the medication i take to keep me sane. it will fend off cramps (okay, actually yoga will do this, but the cramps often arrive with a craving for cheeseburgers and the like, so deal with it.). but mostly, the crying, whether a side effect of the tamiflu, a malfunction of the sanity medication, a terrible consolation prize for pms or some unfortunate mixing of the three, will stop. it is impossible to enjoy a good cheeseburger with bacon while crying.