how to take a dog's temperature

a graphic and educational depiction of what can happen if the odds are against you.

first you decide whether you are person of faith or not. if you are, you do whatever supplicating is necessary to get the attention and favor of your god. you pray or fast or burn a lamb. then you ask for guidance and help on your mission. if you are not a person of faith, take stock of your life so far and consider that without some sort of miraculous intervention you will likely die and will surely be remembered for having been lost during a dog temperature taking accident. determine whether you are up to the task. it is absolutely okay to realize you are not ready to die.

go to the drugstore to get a thermometer. you do not recall the last time you purchased such a thing and you have no idea what kind to get. the clerk glares at you. tell her it's for your dog. tell her rectal, please, because that is what the vet said would give you the most accurate temperature. her glare intensifies and you know she thinks you are going to torture the poor animal. you are slightly bothered by the fact that she doesn't try to rescue the hapless thing since he is right there in the store with you. get some form of lubricant. vaseline. k-y. do not, no matter what your kinfolks may have said, use butter or lard. you do not want to risk losing butter as a thing you love because of this association and your dog already spends plenty of time licking his own butt without you adding seasoning to it. if you can find something with a flip-top, get that. walk home with your unsuspecting dog.

change into clothing you do not ever intend to wear again. this does not mean gym clothes or painting clothes. this means something you are willing to tear off your body and toss directly into a garbage can, if necessary. get a bath towel. this is to comfort the dog and create a work space, not to protect clothing you have already doomed.

sit on a couch with a table in reach. put the thermometer (out of its packaging and carrying case), lubricant (with flip top flipped) and latex gloves on the table. pick up the dog and put him on your lap. recall than when the vet does this, there's a muzzle for the dog, an (generally large and male) assistant holding the dog in a headlock, the vet and you all working to make this happen. realize this is not how things look now and call your husband to see if he knows where the muzzle is. when he does not know, sigh and put on gloves.

place the thermometer on your towel, which is spread over your lap, and pour more lubricant than necessary over it. pick up the thermometer in your left hand. wrap your right arm around your dog's neck, pulling his head gently toward you. lift the aggressively curled down tail up with any free fingers on your slippery, thermometer wielding left hand. realize you cannot see anything under the tail you have just lifted because the tail is in the way. peer around to the side. realize it is difficult to tell what is where from the side. lean as far to your left as you can, hoping to look under the tail. wonder why it sounds like there's a swarm of bees just above your right elbow. realize your dog is beginning his attempt to kill you. admire the recent dental work he had done as this is the first time you can see every single tooth he's got in that larger than you expected mouth. smile and breathe a little when you realize that although he has bitten down on you four or five times at this point, he does not have it in him to actually hurt you and he hasn't even left marks on your skin.

locate what you think, from where you sit, looks like the gateway to your dog's rectum. insert thermometer into this small, clenched space about an inch. be sort of impressed that it shoots out almost immediately and travels a fair distance across the couch. listen to that swarm of bees. it's getting louder and deeper, like a lion or a tiger or a helicopter about to crash. keeping your dog in your right arm grip, still holding the tail aloft, reach over with your gloved and, by now, very slippery left hand to grab the thermometer. reorient it to make sure you have the business end directed toward your dog's business end. try three more times to insert the thermometer and be proud of yourself that you're catching it sooner and sooner as it sails out of the backside of your dog. realize that putting a thumb on the outer end of the thermometer might keep the thing in place. insert thermometer for the fifth time. keep thumb steady. make a mental note to look into why your hands shake so much and wonder whether that will affect your dog's temperature.

notice that as soon as the thermometer is in place your dog stops struggling although he has achieved a facial expression of such incredible detached contempt you almost do not recognize him. look at the clock. watch the clock for three minutes. remove the thermometer, but do not yet release your dog. you will have to read the temperature to be sure you do not have to retake it. 102.5. although this is at the high end of normal, be aware that you and your dog just walked two miles and then wrestled a great deal. release your dog. destroy or clean and then put away all supplies. return to the couch. your dog will curl up beside you and go to sleep, having forgiven or forgotten all that transpired only minutes ago.