escape to monster island

sometimes we use the word "natural" to mean something other than what it means. for instance, childbirth is "natural", but so is a tsunami. neither has artificial dyes or colors and both come pretty much from nature. we often use "natural" to mean "normal" and that's a little irresponsible because normal isn't really a qualitative assessment. it's quantitative. it's just about what happens most. a little example: twins are natural. they happen in nature. however, there's nothing at all normal about twins. they are special and fancy and rare. or at least unusual. now, as people, we've had a tendency to respond to the unusual in some pretty unusual ways- burning at the stake, institutions, freak shows. however, as a culture, we seem to have managed an appreciation for the unusualness that is twins. thank goodness. because i know some.

currently, the mom of these twins (they are new, only out a few months) is having back problems. the problems do not appear to be permanent, but back problems with two small, demanding creatures can be uncomfortable, at best. the consensus is that giving birth to two whole people in one day might have strained some things and they will repair in time. as you might expect, i have an alternate theory, far more sinister, in which a small baby wields enormous and deliberate power. if you are currently pregnant, please turn away. i do not want you to live the rest of your pregnancy in fear.

here goes: labor. babies squirming around getting ready to come out. putting on hats and shoes and all. while one child is searching for a lost sock in all that darkness, the other bursts out onto the scene. it is not what she expected at all. it is horribly bright and cold and the whole place smells like some awful green antiseptic. there is pressure on her from hands and it is not at all like the soft pressure of her last home, fluid and even. it is horrible. suddenly, there is an awful sound and she feels an unpleasant sensation and her lungs fill with this horrible stuff she's never experienced before. it is painful and scary and awful. what would you do? she screams the loudest scream in human history. it is loud enough that her sister, just now at the doorway and ready to go, hears it. her sister backs up a step. she is convinced that her twin was just eaten by some horrible monster. what else could possibly make her scream like that? she peeks out a bit and sees the beasts all standing there with some awful light behind them and decides there is no reason to go out on a day like this. she'll just stay at home. she tosses her hat in a corner, kicks off her shoes and prepares to relax and maybe later build a little monument in there to her beloved sister who was eaten by beasts. what happens next is something she was not at all prepared for.

she'd been living in her small but comfy place the better part of a year and was quite familiar with the structural components of her little apartment. she knows ribs and spine and bands of muscle. she knows if she hangs onto a rib for safety it will be sturdy, but if one of those beasts grabs her, a firm yank might snap it. so she grabs a band of muscle. her mother doesn't feel it at the time because of all the other contracting and writhing muscles in her body. but the child holds on and the struggle continues for quite some time. the thing to know about babies, though, is that they're babies. they can't go very long without a nap. this poor child's grip began to weaken, her eyes fluttered and as she fell asleep, she let go and the muscles i her mom's lower back snapped back into place. she came out into the burst of light, absolutely convinced she was about to join her sister in the belly of one of those monsters.

eventually both little girls actually were reunited and both realized that nobody was tortured or eaten by beasts.they settled in with the kind, adoring parents they initially feared were wild monsters. the second child confided to the first that although she loves both parents and she's sorry she put the temporary hurt on mom, it certainly wasn't entirely her fault. she feels like mom shoulders a little responsibility for not warning them about this whole thing. the first agrees. "you don't tell someone they're coming out and make them think it's like a debutante ball if you're really going to toss them into a mosh pit".

the sisters made a pact. they will be good and loving children. they will not date until they are 25. they will not experiment with any substances their parents warn them away from, except maybe soda. they will do well in school and will rescue injured animals. they will help old folks cross the street. they will be girl scouts and boy scouts and nobel laureates all at the same time. they will discover cures for illnesses we don't even have names for yet. but first, there is the issue of teaching the parents a thing or two about how scary the world is when people leave you in the dark about important things (like being born). it is difficult to tell what monsters are in store for their beloved parents. the girls are good children who dearly love their parents so there's hope that the lessons will be quick and gentle, then there's speculation one of the girls is planning to vote republican in the next election.

that would be neither natural nor normal.